


Let Me Protect You

by ncitykillsme



Series: nct ships as one shots that are all intertwined [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fights, Fluff and Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 16:58:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14597544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ncitykillsme/pseuds/ncitykillsme
Summary: Jaehyun has been struggling with his feelings for Taeyong for a while but with a recent power outage and a few punches....will he be able to keep his emotions under wraps?And how does the infamous kinky Taeyong feel about this? (;





	1. The Closet Is A Safe Place Until You Let People In

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a one shot but i.....got....too into it  
> (:  
> also don't hate me 
> 
> theres a few smutty scenes but it's mostly just angst haha

Taeyong hadn’t spoken to Jaehyun after ‘the incident.’ Even thinking about it made him blush. He was starting to think that Jaehyun was avoiding him, but not to the point where the other members noticed. It was just small things, like when they sat down to watch the movie after the power went up again. Jaehyun moved to the other end of the couch, but placed the popcorn between them so it didn’t look too suspicious. Or the next morning when Taeyong was brushing his teeth and Jaehyun opened the door to find him shirtless, which was a usual occurrence. But he picked his brush and went to the kitchen without even as much as a simple good morning. It made Taeyong angry. Why was he being such a dick over this?

 

Sure, last night was weird but they’d seen each other shirtless thousands of times, they’d touched each other’s abs and they’ve even kissed each other on the forehead. So why was Jaehyun being so-  
“Taeyong!” Johnny stared at him and raised his eyebrow but Taeyong looked away.  
“What?”  
“Bro are you good?” Johnny was the only person who hadn’t gone to practice yet.  
“Yeah.” Taeyong was eating when Johnny jumped onto the kitchen bench.  
“Did something happen with Jaehyun?” Johnny ate his food without looking up and Taeyong felt his cheeks flush.  
“Why would you think that?” Taeyong realised he answered a bit too quickly and Johnny grinned.  
“You finally gonna admit you’re as gay as the rest of us?”  
“I _do not_ like Jaehyun.” Taeyong put down his plate and Johnny finally looked up at him. He still had a shit eating grin.  
“I don’t get why you won’t admit it. It’s not like we’re going to judge you?”  
Johnny had a point, they wouldn’t judge. “But I don’t like guys Johnny.”  
“Sure.” Johnny didn’t miss a beat and it made Taeyong kind of angry.  
“I respect everyone in our team and our dorm and I’m not judging. I am one hundred percent okay with all of you dating each other but me? _I do not like dick_ . I never have, and I never will. So I would appreciate if you stop trying to push your gay agenda on me.” Taeyong turned around and did a double take when he noticed who was standing at the door.  
“Dowoon Hyung wanted to make sure you were actually awake.” Jaehyun closed the door and silence filled the kitchen.  
“Well…that happened.” Johnny hopped off the bench. “Let’s go.”  
Taeyong just nod his head and followed Johnny.

 

He thought it would be awkward while they practiced but Jaehyun had returned to his usual self. He was laughing and had an arm around WinWin. Yuta didn’t even look jealous. It warmed Taeyong’s heart when Jaehyun waved to him and smiled. Even as they practiced, Jaehyun didn’t avoid bumping into Taeyong and, just like their usual selves, they collapsed on each other after they did a relay of their songs. So why did Taeyong feel disappointed?

 

“Taeyongie?” Jaehyun’s head was resting on Taeyong’s leg.  
“What?” Taeyong’s voice came out a little harsher than usual and he noticed Jaehyun open and close his mouth. “Sorry.”  
“It’s okay.” Jaehyun’s hand reached out to touch his face and Taeyong reflexively flinched away. He realised what he’d done when he saw Jaehyun wince.  
“I-” Taeyong was cut off by a booming voice.  
“Jaehyun! Bro look at this what the fuck!” Johnny held out his phone and Jaehyun crawled away from Taeyong.  
“What…oh my god.” Jaehyun looked at Johnny’s phone and giggled. He had such a pretty smile. _Wait what_.

 

Taeyong stayed quiet for the rest of the practice. He felt sick. Maybe he ate something, maybe the milk was off. He was glad when Dowoon Hyung, their choreographer, told them that they could finish early. He didn’t race the others back to the dorm to shower. He hung back and helped clean the practice room in hopes that the rest of the members would pass out before he got back. And he was semi right, only Yuta and Johnny were awake playing on their PS4.

 

Taeyong snuck into his bedroom and left his phone to charge before sneaking into the bathroom. The light was still on which meant someone else was probably still awake. Steam fogged up the mirror but he couldn’t be bothered to wipe it clean. He was getting the shower warm when someone knocked on the door.  
“What?” Taeyong grabbed his towel and tied it around his waist.  
“Can I come in for a quick second?”  
“Um...sure.” Taeyong couldn’t really hear who it was over the sound of the shower but he unlocked the door anyway and when he saw who it was he wanted to hang himself with his towel.  
“I just uh-” Jaehyun cleared his throat. “Left my phone.” He walked around Taeyong to the basin and picked up his phone. He was about to leave when Taeyong blocked his way. He had no idea where his newfound confidence was coming from.  
“Look I’m sorry about before but you can’t keep avoiding me.” Taeyong crossed his arms and Jaehyun looked him up and down. Taeyong felt his cheeks tingle.  
“Taeyong.” Jaehyun tried to step around him but Taeyong blocked him. “Move. Please.”  
“This is ridiculous. I don’t get why you’re so-” Taeyong was mid-sentence when Jaehyun’s hand cupped his face and his thumb grazed Taeyong’s lip.  
“The things I want to do to you...”

 

Taeyong met his eyes. There wasn’t anger in them, just dejection. Taeyong opened his mouth to say something but Jaehyun stepped around him.  
“I don’t know how much longer I can control myself.” Jaehyun turned around and held the door handle. “So just give me some space for a bit okay?” And with that he was gone leaving Taeyong more confused than ever. Now he wasn’t the type to go around making assumptions but that sounded like a confession if anything. He wasn’t really sure how to react. But he didn’t want to hurt Jaehyun so he decided to follow his wishes.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jaehyun collapsed into bed. _Kill me_ .  
“Can you die _after_ the comeback?” WinWin closed the door and sat down beside him.  
“Wow. Merciless.” Jaehyun hugged his pillow.  
“What happened?” WinWin started playing with Jaehyun’s hair and his eyes fluttered to a close.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Oh come on. Something happened when the power went out. I can’t figure out what though.”  
“Yeah because you were busy sucking off Yuta’s face.” To say Jaehyun was jealous was an understatement.  
“So what happened. Spill.”  
“Well…”

 

~ ~ Flashback To Power Outage ~ ~

 

Jaehyun did not have a fear of the dark. He just wasn’t a fan.  
“YOU GUYS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK IN HERE. ALL FOR OF YOU. I REPEAT. NO FUCKING IN THE COMMON AREA!” Taeyong screamed when the power went out.  
“Shut the fuck up Taeyong.” Jaehyun muttered. It was pitch black, not a single light flickered. Reflexively he grabbed the first person he could reach, coincidentally it was Taeyong. He wanted to hold his hand, he’s always wanted to hold his hand. At least this time he had an excuse. But when he reached out for Taeyong, what he grabbed was definitely not his hand.

 

At first, Jaehyun was confused. It was soft and warm and when Jaehyun’s grip tightened Taeyong squirmed but didn’t say a word.  
“What-” Jaehyun jumped up when he realised what he’d done. “I’m sorry-” He was mid apology when he stepped on the PS4 controller. “Shit.” He stumbled forward and face planted into the couch. Except it wasn’t the couch.

 

Jaehyun wasn’t sure if he was blessed or cursed at this point. He was scared the lights would come on at any second though he still didn’t want to move from between Taeyong’s legs. His nose pressed against against Taeyong’s crotch and ascreepy as he was aware it was, he took in a long deep breath.  
“Jaehyun.” Taeyong hissed at him and Jaehyun was sure Taeil and Doyoung heard but when they began laughing he realised they were probably making out too. “Jaehyu-” Jaehyun cut him off by placing his hands on Taeyong’s thighs. He heard Taeyong suck in a quick breath. _I’m going to Hell for this_. Jaehyun was very well aware of Taeyong and how straight he was, he was aware of all his fantasies and kinks. But with his face between his legs, all rational thought flew out of his brain.

He began by rubbing circles into the insides of Taeyong’s thighs. It was easy, he was wearing boxers and Jaehyun pushed them up with his thumbs. He almost melted when an unrecognisable sound escaped Taeyong’s mouth. He knew Taeyong had to clamp his hand over his mouth to not be heard. Jaehyun couldn’t help but smile. He kissed Taeyong’s thighs and sucked his skin through his teeth. He wasn’t surprised when Taeyong’s hand latched onto his head, he was expecting Taeyong to pluck him and throw him away. But instead, he dragged Jaehyun’s face up to his. Now it was his time to be shocked.

 

Jaehyun brought his face closer to Taeyong’s, close enough to feel his breath on his lips. It was hot, shaky. Jaehyun could tell Taeyong’s lips were parted. Was this an invitation? He could smell Taeyong’s familiar woody musk and brushed his lips against Taeyong’s. It was barely a kiss, it was barely even a peck. They were a millimeter apart and Jaehyun wanted to lean in again. He wanted to kiss him, on the lips, the neck, down his torso, everywhere. But he couldn’t. And that was the fact.  
Jaehyun pulled away and whispered into Taeyong’s ear. “Sorry.” He got up, took his phone off the table, and used his torch to trudge back to his bedroom.

 

~ ~ End Of Flashback ~ ~

 

“Well?” Sicheng prompted.  
“We had a uh-...moment.” Jaehyun hid his face behind a pillow.  
“You guys kissed?” Sicheng sounded excited and Jaehyun winced. “Or not.”  
“It wasn’t exactly a kiss.” Jaehyun sat up and Sicheng looked confused. “Though I did have my face between his legs.” Sicheng squealed and Jaehyun laughed.  
“That’s a start.” Sicheng thought for a second. “Is that why you guys have been weird.”  
“Weird is an understand. He hates me.”  
“I don’t think so.”  
“Please. Indulge me on why exactly you think that?”  
“Oh come on you can’t deny it.” Sicheng lay down beside Jaehyun and followed. “When hyung is mad at someone he usually says mean shit.”  
“True.” Jaehyun couldn’t argue with that. When Taeyong was pissed he had a bad habit of constantly slapping someone with backhanded compliments. “I feel like Hyuckie with Mark.”  
“What?” Sicheng huddled back into Jaehyun and he put his arm around his Chinese friend.  
“The entire, dealing with his sexuality thing which is not a problem by the way. I can wait it’s just,” Jaehyun sighed. “Mixed signals. He keeps sending mixed signals.”  
“I’m sorry Jaehyun.” Sicheng hugged Jaehyun’s arm and he almost cried.  
“You should probably go before Yuta finds us and gets all mad.” Jaehyun let go of Sicheng.  
“He can suck my dick.” Sicheng rolled out of bed.  
“I’m sure he does.” Jaehyun muttered softly but Sicheng still heard him and threw Hyuck’s pillow at his head.  
“He’s pretty damn good at too.”  
“DON’T TAINT MY INNOCENT EARS.”  
“Tell that to your kink diary.” Sicheng disappeared behind the door and Jaehyun reflexively opened the drawer of his bedside table and pulled out his little dream journal. It was a book that he read often and showed Sicheng one page but should never ever in a million years reach anyone else’s eyes. It wasn’t his fault he had raging hormonal dreams.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Taeyong was sitting outside on the building’s rooftop. It wasn’t exactly allowed but he was friends with the hyung who roamed the halls of the dorms and sometimes he lets Taeyong give him the slip. He was writing lyrics when he lay down and decided to look up at the sky. Starless. Wonderful.  
“I thought I’d find you up here.” A familiar voice lay down beside Taeyong. He turned his head.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“You’re not the only one in Wonpil hyung’s good books.” Jungwoo winked at him and he turned away. “Are you contemplating coming out now.”  
“It amazes me how fast word spreads.”  
“Honestly Youngie.” Jungwoo laughed softly. “We’re a family.”  
“Still.”  
They lay in silence for a bit. It was comfortable.  
“Talk to me.” Jungwoo turned to face Taeyong. Taeyong turned his head and saw Jungwoo curl into a ball. He smiled.  
“You’re adorable.”  
“That’s not getting you out of talking.” Jungwoo grinned and Taeyong rolled his eyes.

 

“It’s hard.” Taeyong wasn’t big on opening up to people. Most of the members got frustrated when he kept deflecting their questions and worries, but Jungwoo always waited. “I feel like I’m betraying our TZennies.”  
Jungwoo laugher, like proper bellowing laughter. Though when he saw the look on Taeyong’s face he quietened. “Why do you think that.”  
“I don’t know. Imagine being in love with a group full of gay boys.” Taeyong hated lying to his members but he hated lying to TZennies more. “It sounds stupid I know but I feel like they’d hate us. And it scares me.”  
“What scares you?”  
“Them leaving. Because of me. I wouldn’t forgive myself.” Taeyong felt his chest constrict. “And...Korea’s still a bit...backwards...what if they hurt us-”  
“Do you think we’re not scared too?”  
Taeyong faces Jungwoo. He’d never seen the boy so serious.  
“Lee Taeyong. We are all fucking scared. Of the managers, of the TZennies hating us, of _Korea_ hating us.”  
“Then how-”  
“Because who I kiss should really not be anyone’s business. And I am one hundred and ten percent sure TZennies would support us.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“You don’t know if they’ll hate us either.”  
“That’s.” Taeyong looked back at the sky. “A fair point.”  
“You can’t live your life scared about what other people think of you.”  
“You don’t get it.” Taeyong felt his eyes well with tears. “That scandal- I’ve had people hate me Jungwoo. They hated me before they even knew my name.” Taeyong wiped his eyes. “They- the things they said and they hated NCT because of me. They said we didn’t deserve-...I...I wanted to die Jungwoo. I can’t do that again- I can’t have people looking at me like that. I can’t have people looking at Jaehyun like that...it would _kill_ me.” Taeyong sniffled. It was silent for a bit.

 

“You can’t make that decision for him. If he’s willing to stand through the hate with you, don’t you think it’s worth it then?”  
“I can’t hurt him.”  
“You don’t have the right to make that decision for someone else. You can’t say that without even trying.”  
“I’m scared.”  
“Taeyong. We will all protect you. We will all support you. Jaehyun more than anyone. Let him…don’t take that right away from him. It hurts me to see you hurting yourself...to deprive yourself of happiness.”  
Taeyong has never looked at it like that. He was so caught up in wanted to protect everyone he’d never realised they felt the same. After the netizens had dug deep into his past, the backlash was crazy. Some days he didn’t even want to get out of bed. He had wanted to stop everything, stop breathing. It hurt so much. But they’d been there for him. Especially Jaehyun. He’d come into his room everyday and make sure he’d eaten, make sure he’d showered, make sure he hadn’t hurt himself.  
“Maybe…maybe I will.”  
“Fucking finally. Now get you’re bi ass downstairs.”  
“No not today I need time- wait what?”  
“What?” Jungwoo raises an eyebrow at him.  
“You said bi.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Jungwoo...I’m gay.”  
Jungwoo’s jaw fell to the ground. “Like- as- like as in only dick no tits gay?”  
“Yes...girls scare me.”  
“ _Oh my god!”  
_ “Why?”  
“No reason.” Jungwoo jumped off the wooden seat and headed for the door. “I can’t believe I owe Lucas $30.”  
“What?”  
“He bet that you were full gay but I had faith in you!”  
“Why would you think that?”  
“Does whiplash ring any bells?” Jungwoo looked at him sarcastically and Taeyong blushed.  
“It was actually a dream…”  
“WHAT?” Jungwoo was already at the door but he spun around. “Don’t tell me it was Jaehyun.” When Taeyong didn’t respond Jungwoo screamed. “ _OH MY GOD LEE TAEYONG IS A KINKY BOTTOM GAY.”  
_ “JUNGWOO SHUT THE FUCK UP CHALLENGE.” Taeyong jumped up as well.  
“Challenge failed.” Jungwoo sung before slipping in the door.  
“Girls.” Taeyong thought to himself and shuddered. They were beautiful but their anatomy scared him senseless.

 

Taeyong liked boys for as long as he could remember. Ever since his neighbour kissed him goodbye before he moved to the states, he’d become fascinated by boys. He didn’t think what he felt for boys was wrong until he reached high school and witnessed the bullying. He swore to never come out. He’d forced himself to be with girls, date them, kiss them, sleep with them. It felt so wrong. He’d kissed a lot of girls but only slept with one and the next morning she confessed that she was actually lesbian, which worked for him. She became his first real friend, the only person in his life that knew his secret: Taeyong was gay. 100% gay. He loved dick. However, he had never been with a guy. He’s kissed a few boys that he met through his ex lesbian girlfriend; though he was always drunk and they were just a few quick makeout sessions. Which is part of the reason why he wasn’t really sure on coming to SM and being put in a group full of boys. He was afraid of his own hormones and feelings. But the trainees had turned out to be a massive family, and he didn’t regret joining SM at all. Until he started to notice the difference he felt when Johnny put an arm around him verses when Jaehyun as merely as just bumped into him.

 

He refused to admit his feelings for Jaehyun until Johnny had an ex trainee sneak some shitty liquor into their dorms. That was a night he wished to erase from his memory but the words ‘ _I am a very gay for Jaehyun and girls scare me’_ that fell out of his mouth haunt him till this very day. He liked to believe it was just the alcohol talking. Though Johnny liked to bring it up often, just between them though. Which he appreciated. He was glad that although Johnny was a little piece of shit, he would never intentionally hurt Taeyong. He also wouldn’t tell Jaehyun, Taeyong knew that. He knew it was up to him to tell Jaehyun how he felt. But, like he told Jungwoo...he felt like he was betraying everyone around him. He’d begun with a lie and everyone believed it, loved him for it. Telling his TZennies the truth, after they’d protected him before, it felt like betrayal. Deep down he knew most of them would still love him though he would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared, terrified even.

 

However, he knew Jungwoo was right. He’d never actually taken a chance.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jaehyun had a good morning. It was normal in every way a part from the fact that he hadn’t seen Taeyong at all. He wasn’t going to lie and say he didn’t miss him but it was definitely a relief he didn’t need to restrain himself from jumping on Taeyong every minute.

 

He was laying on the floor of the practice room, between Doyoung and Sicheng, when the door opened and the rest of NCT U waltzed in, all except Taeyong. He could feel Sicheng’s eyes bore into him, he could feel them asking if he was okay. Without saying a word Jaehyun put a over Sicheng’s as if to say _I’ll survive_ .  
“Practice times folks.” Dowoon Hyung turned on the music. “Ten pretend you’re Taeyong for a bit I just want to see how the positions work out.”  
“Is he sick?” Ten looked genuinely worried.  
“He got caught on the roof last night.” Dowoon Hyung started stretching. “Don’t get why he got in so much trouble though. Maybe Wonpil had a bad day.”  
“Actually…” Jungwoo held his hands in front of him and everyone turned to stare. “The big manager was there and he almost saw me but Taeyong protected me and-”

 

“The idiot.” Jaehyun had heard enough. Getting caught right before their comeback, and with Jungwoo, on the roof? What the fuck was he thinking. They didn’t need a scandal like this.  
“Wait Jaehyun!” Sicheng tried to grab onto Jaehyun’s clothes but he shook him off and marched out the door.  
“JAEHYUN!” Doyoung tried to leap out the door but Dowoon hyung stopped them.  
“You guys stay here!” Dowoon ordered the group to stay inside the practice room. Jaehyun heard him shout something else but he couldn’t hear over the sound of the blood boiling in his veins.

 

Saying Jaehyun was angry was an understatement. He was furious. He could feel it burning his insides as he stormed his way into the dorm. Getting in trouble usually meant cleaning the bathrooms and helping out in the kitchen but Taeyong had befriended each and every staff member so lately they’d punished him by locking him in the dorms doing absolutely jack all because it made him go insane.

 

Jaehyun thought he would have calmed down by the time he threw open Taeyong’s door but the moment he saw that ridiculously pretty face he wanted to punch it.  
“Jaehyun?” Taeyong looked shocked. He jumped up from the bed and grinned but the moment Jaehyun raised his fist, he faltered. “Jae-” Before Taeyong could get out his name the sound of Jaehyun’s fist colliding with Taeyong’s jaw echoed through the empty room and Jaehyun was pretty sure you could hear the punch down the hallway.

 

“I-” Jaehyun was about to apologise when he saw fury flash through Taeyong’s eyes.  
“Fuck you.”  
Before Jaehyun processed what was happened he felt himself fall to the ground with taeyong on top of him.  
“Get off me you fuck.” Jaehyun grabbed Taeyong arms but he broke loose. He may have been shorter and skinnier but he was strangely strong. Though it would be a lie if Jaehyun said he hadn’t thirsted over his biceps before.  
“ _Fuck you_ .” Taeyong’s fist came crashing down on Jaehyun’s face and he screamed before grabbing his arms for the second time and flipping them over.  
“Stop fighting you idiot.”  
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUNCH ME THEN!” Taeyong kneed Jaehyun in the back and he fell forward.  
“YOU GOT CAUGHT ON THE ROOFTOP!” Jaehyun pinned Taeyong’s arms above his head but he slipped a hand free. “WITH JUNGWOO!”  
“WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO-”  
“DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT NCT?” Jaehyun pinned Taeyong’s hands down again but this time he stopped moving.  
“Don’t you dare say that to me.” Taeyong wasn’t yelling. His voice was barely above a whisper and Jaehyun swore he saw tears well in his eyes. His gaze drifted down his tears to his lips where Jaehyun’s punch had left him bleeding.  
“I didn’t-”

 

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?” Hyunjoon, their manager, was at the door. In the blink of an eye he was behind Jaehyun and pulling the two boys apart. “ARE YOU GUYS REALLY FIGHTING WEEKS BEFORE YOUR COMEBACK?” Hyunjoon looked at their faces and nearly choked. “I can’t believe this.”

 

Jaehyun looked up at the door again to find Dowoon Hyung with his arms around Taeyong who was trying to shake him off.  
“Calm down.” Dowoon was strong and held Taeyong in place.  
“Don’t tell me to calm down.”  
“Taeyong.” Hyunjoon warned.  
“What? You don’t think I give a shit about NCT either?”  
“Where is this coming from?” Hyunjoon sounded shocked. He turned to Jaehyun.  
“I didn’t mean it…” Jaehyun hung his head.  
“I can’t believe you said that.” Sicheng was at the door. He looked betrayed and Jaehyun felt his heart sink.  
“Siche-”  
“Save it.” Sicheng walked into the room and held onto Taeyong. “Let’s go.” His eyes were icy as he looked at Jaehyun one last time before leading Taeyong out the room.

 

“ _What_ ,” Hyunjoon grabbed Jaehyun’s arm. “Is going on?”  
“I fucked up.” Jaehyun muttered under his breath.  
“Don’t swear at me.”  
“I really...really truly absolutely fucked up.”

 

~ ~ bOoMiNg SySteM uP uP tY tRaCk Ty TrAcK (( POV CHANGE )) ~ ~

 

Taeyong leaned against the mirror with Sicheng, Jungwoo and Johnny facing him.  
“Care to tell us what happened?” Johnny spoke first.  
“Why are you all here?”  
“Taeyong. For once in your life just shut the fuck up with all the lies and tell us what happened.” Jungwoo didn’t look mad but his voice sounded like he was done with everyone’s bullshit.  
“He told me I don’t care about NCT.”  
“Did he tell you or ask you.” Sicheng looked desperate. As if he was hoping Jaehyun didn’t say anything at all.  
“Does it make a difference?”  
“I’m going to punch the other side of your face if you don’t answer.” Johnny leaned back on his arms.  
“He asked.” Taeyong muttered under his breath and touched his jaw. It hurt.  
“Come here.” Jungwoo pulled out something from behind his back. A first aid kit. Taeyong didn’t move and Jungwoo sighed before crawling over to him.

 

“I don’t get why he was mad.” Sicheng pulled his knees to him and rest his head.  
“Maybe he was jealous.” Johnny thought for a second. “You’ve been hanging off every guy a part from him after that night.”  
“I have not!” Taeyong protested.  
“The night where you basically begged him to kiss you?” Jungwoo dabbed a cotton pad on the cut and Taeyong winced.  
“Shut up.”   
“Okay so we’re the only ones who know he’s bi right?” Johnny spoke again and everyone’s eyes fell on Sicheng. He _was_ Jaehyun’s best friend after all.  
“Huh. So that’s why you give Jaehyun mixed signals.” Sicheng nod his head and Johnny looked at Taeyong apologetically.  
“He’s actually just gay.” Jungwoo spun around and Taeyong hissed at him.  
“Wait really?” Johnny looked at Taeyong who didn’t say a single word. “I thought that was just the alcohol talking.”  
“Girls scare me.” Taeyong’s voice was barely above a whisper.  
“So...is whiplash actually about Jaehyun then?” Johnny raised his eyebrow and Jungwoo started rolling on the ground laughing.  
“Shut up.”  
“Well.” Jungwoo recovered. “He definitely took the ‘whip me some more’ part way too literally.”  
“ _Shut up_.”

 

“I still can’t believe he punched you.” Johnny was surprised.  
“Honestly...same.” Jungwoo agreed.  
“I can.” Sicheng was heartless and Taeyong clenched his fists.  
“Why are you even here?” Taeyong didn’t mean for his words to come at as harsh.  
“If you didn’t want him between your legs why didn’t you just shove him away.” Sicheng was mad.  
“Wait what?” Johnny leaned forward. “Jaehyun was- wait-...WHAT?”  
“It wasn’t like that he just fell.” Taeyong covered his cheeks with his hands.  
“Onto your dick...sure.” Jungwoo crossed his arms. “What the fuck happened Taeyong?”  
“If you wanted to kiss him, you should have. If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t lead him on.” Sicheng stood up.  
“It’s not that easy.”  
“Trust me. I know.” Sicheng headed for the door. “But be honest with him. He deserves it.”  
Once Sicheng left the room grew silent.  
“He’s right you know.” Johnny was always on Taeyong’s side. This was the first time he said something against him and Taeyong felt small. “I know it’s hard for you but...you’re hurting yourself _and_ Jae.” Johnny sighed. “I’m going to talk to Hyunjoon hyung and see what’s happening.” Taeyong and Jungwoo watched Johnny leave.

 

“Hyung.” Jungwoo pulled Taeyong into a hug and he froze. “You can cry if you want.”  
And so Taeyong cried. He let the tears fall, the tears he’d spent years holding in. It hurt. He’d never been heartbroken before but today it felt like someone had torn right into his chest and pulled out his heart before stomping all over it. He knew he should have pushed Jaehyun away that night when the power went off, he _knew_. But he wanted to feel Jaehyun’s warmth, his touch, his scent. He was usually able to control his urges. Though that night was the first time he had wanted to give in. He was so close to caving. In fact, if memory serves him right, he had, it was Jaehyun who had pulled away, Jaehyun who left. And boy oh boy did it hurt.

 

“Taeyong-ah.” Jungwoo rubbed his back. “It’s going to be okay. You can come stay in my room for the night okay? Lucas bought that cookie dough ice-cream you love and we can watch Miracle in Cell Number Seven and you can take a warm bath because we have a tub and I bought that bath oil we looked at and-”  
“Okay.” Taeyong loved Jungwoo. But his voice was started to irritate him. He was tired.  
“Come on.” Jungwoo helped lift him off the ground and basically dragged him back to his dorm. “I texted Mark and told him you’re staying with us tonight.”  
“Okay.” Taeyong nod his head.  
“We can order-”  
“Can we cook that thing me and Kun made last time?” Taeyong was exhausted but he knew that he would not be able to sleep. He needed distractions.  
“Of course Taeyong-ah.” Jungwoo’s voice was always so calming. Taeyong could listen to this boy all day except he shared a room with Lucas who was as loud as they come. He was in for a long night though he didn’t mind that one bit. Not today at least.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I’m sorry.” Sicheng crawled into Jaehyun’s bed and wrapped his arms and legs around him.  
“Go away.” Jaehyun grumbled into his pillow but Sicheng’s hug just grew tighter. “Yuta will get mad.”  
“He’s actually really worried about you.” Sicheng cuddled Jaehyun. “These cuddles are from him too.”  
“I can’t believe he was on the roof with Jungwoo.” Jaehyun shoved his face into the pillow in hopes he would suffocate and die.  
“Did-” Sicheng quietened for a second. “Did you get in trouble.”  
“No actually. Hyunjoon hyung was just really worried. And he told Dowoon hyung not to say anything to anyone either.”  
“Interesting.” Sicheng was being really weird today. “So they just patched you up and sent you away?”  
“Yeah sure, away to my room.” Jaehyun bit his nail. It was a nasty habit he’d picked up from Taeyong. “They told me to take a day off to cool my head.”

 

“Why did you do it?” Sicheng nestled his head into Jaehyun’s neck and he frowned.  
“The rooftop is our place.”  
“Are you kidding me? Everyone goes up there.”  
“I know but...he was up there with Jungwoo.”  
“And?”  
“Jungwoo’s...you know,” Jaehyun searched for a word without being a complete dick. “Flirty?”  
“I literally have my arms and legs around you.”  
“That’s different. You’re dating someone.”  
“Are-” Sicheng giggled. “Please tell me you know about Jungwoo and Lucas.”  
“What?”  
“ _Oh my god Jaehyun!”_ Sicheng slapped Jaehyun. “They’ve been together for years.”  
“No way…” Jaehyun thought for a moment. “It makes sense but I thought they were just, you know, fucking.”  
“Jesus Jaehyun.”  
“Jungwoo literally flirts with everyone.”  
“Yeah because he likes making people nervous. He doesn’t want to dick them all.”  
“Sounds fake but okay.” It made sense though, Lucas and Jungwoo. They were attached at the hip since their trainee days, always clinging off each other, always caught in some sort of embrace. Jaehyun had even caught them locking lips a few times but they always brushed it off and walked separate ways so he just assumed they were friends with benefits.

 

“I can’t believe you punched him because you were jealous.” Sicheng sighed and shifted onto his back, Jaehyun did the same.  
“It wasn’t just that.”  
“Then what?”  
“What if someone caught them up there together. It would start rumours and right before our comeback too.” Jaehyun trailed off. Being caught up there alluded to the idea that they were  _together_ on the roof which Jaehyun knew they were not so his entire argument had lost basis.  
“I get what you’re saying but even you have to admit you’re grasping at straws.”  
“Yeah thanks I’m aware.” Jaehyun massaged his head. “But everytime I see his face I get mad.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I want to kiss him and I can’t.”  
“Why not?”  
Jaehyun turned to look at Sicheng. “You’re kidding right?”  
“No.”  
“Do you think I don’t want to?” Jaehyun felt like he was speaking to a three-year-old with a brain the size of a pea.  
“Has he ever pushed you away?” Sicheng turned to look at him and Jaehyun swallowed. He had a point. That night Taeyong had basically invited him in for a kiss. But there was no way.  
“He’s straight. Trust me I would know if he was even bi.”  
“Would you?”  
“Wow thanks. Not like I haven’t known him for years or anything. But thanks.”  
“Yuta was one of my best friends and the only person who never gave up on me and now look at us.”  
“Everyone knew he was in love with you except you.”  
“Oh I knew. I just...kind of liked him chasing after me.”  
“You are _heartless_ .” Jaehyun was surprised by Sicheng. He thought they were damn close but he still hadn’t seen this side of his Chinese friend. Amazing.  
“Talk to him.” Sicheng sat up.  
“Yeah maybe.” Jaehyun pulled the blanket over his head. “I just need some time.”  
“You have all of tomorrow.” And with that Sicheng slipped out of Jaehyun’s room leaving him to drown in his own thoughts.

 

He couldn’t fall asleep even after Hyuck joined him and turned off the lights. He must have tossed and turned a lot because Hyuck turned their night lamp on.  
“Are you okay?”  
Jaehyun was about to say yes when he rolled to his left and fell off the bed. “Kill me.”  
“Shit Jaehyun.” Hyuck scrambled to the floor and kneeled beside Jaehyun.  
“Sorry.” Jaehyun sat up and leaned against the bed frame, legs sprawled out in front of him. Hyuck leaned against his own bed but hugged his knees. Jaehyun watched him cradle his head and stifled his laughter. He looked so exhausted, Jaehyun could see his bags through the dimly lit room.  
“What?” Hyuck hid his face and Jaehyun giggled a little louder.  
“You’re so cute.”  
“I-...hyung…” Hyuck trailed off and Jaehyun knew he must have realised that Jaehyun’s laughter had somewhere along the way turned into soft sobs. He covered his eyes and wiped his tears with the sleeves of his jumper. It was the one Taeyong had bought him for his birthday.  
“I really fucked up huh?” Jaehyun wasn’t speaking to Hyuck in particular. He just realised how stupid he was.  
“I know it’s hard.” Hyuck was still hugging his knees.  
“Do you?”  
“Mark didn’t realise he was bi before I kissed him.” Hyuck stopped and corrected himself. “Well he kissed me but I basically initiated it. And then he passed out.” Hyuck laughed dryly.

 

It was at that point that Jaehyun realised the kid had actually been through a lot. That must not have been easy.  
“How did you...survive?”  
“Well for starters I didn’t punch him.” Hyuck looked Jaehyun in the eyes and raised an eyebrow.  
“Don't. I already hate myself enough.”  
“Maybe start with an apology.” Hyuck kicked his feet out. “And then maybe tell him how you feel.”  
“What- I- What do you mean?” Jaehyun forced a nervous laugh and he was sure his voice grew a few octaves.  
“I’m loud not stupid.” Hyuck cocked his head and Jaehyun’s lips tugged at the side.  
“I don’t think I can apologise without getting punched in the face.”  
“False. You both already punched each other. There is no need for more punching.”  
“Tell that to Taeyong.” Jaehyun fiddled with his fingers.  
“Or, right?” Hyuck was being dramatic and as much as it annoying Jaehyun he was thankful he wasn’t treating Jaehyun like some broken toy. “You could go up to him, apologise, and kiss him. And BAM happy ending everyone’s dating.”  
“That’s not how it works.”  
“I’ll even let you have the room for the night.” Hyuck winked at him before crawling back into bed. Jaehyun was caught between wanting to hug and beat the shit out of Hyuck.  
“Hey Hyuckie?”  
“Yes?”  
“Thanks.”  
“You’re welc.”  
Jaehyun laughed and got back into bed.  
“Jaehyun hyung?”  
“Yeah?”  
“You can’t really get angry or upset if you haven’t been one hundred percent honest and tried everything.”  
Jaehyun hugged his pillow. Hyuck had a point, a very valid point. “Good night Hyuckie.”  
“Night hyung.”

 

It took a while for Jaehyun to drift into a deep sleep. He listened to Hyuck’s gentle snoring before he fell unconscious. But even then his dreams revolved around their comeback and his fight with Taeyong. It’s as if even his subconscious was trying to get him to confess his feelings. Honestly though, it wasn’t like he was exactly subtle about it. He was always hugging him, clinging off him, holding his hand. He even became his taste tester for his catastrophic dinner experiments when everyone else always claimed they were too tired to eat and secretly went to the convenience store instead. He held Taeyong when he cried and even gave him massages every time he noticed Taeyong was in pain. What else did he have to do? It was bad enough that he had dreams about him. But some dreams were so far fetched that Jaehyun was afraid he might say something in his sleep and wake up Hyuck.

 

He had an entire little book filled with all the fantasies he dreamt about. All of them involved Taeyong. Which was kind of pathetic if he thought about it. And they weren’t exactly PG dreams, or even MA. Some were cute, where Jaehyun would come back from work to have Taeyong cook him a meal and kiss him goodnight before cuddling and falling asleep. Domestic dreams. But most of the time Jaehyun had so much pent up sexual frustration in him that he’d taken Taeyong in various places around the dorm, the practice rooms, the hotel rooms of the cities they’d visited and once he even dream about making Taeyong go down on him in the plane. Sometimes he’d wake up sweating with a hard on. Though mostly he woke up wincing with a broken heart.

 

There were a few times he’d woken up from a dream so vivid that he could still smell Taeyong’s woody musk linger around him. He could feel Taeyong’s hands explore every part of him. He’d woken up and touched his lips because he could still taste Taeyong from his dream. And today, was one of those days. Jaehyun woke up to Taeyong’s musk engulfing him like a thick blanket. It was suffocating sometimes, but Jaehyun didn’t mind. He wished he could go back to sleep and return from his dream. He didn’t want to wake up. But when he cracked his eyes open and say a familiar smiling face, his heart skipped a beat and he sighed. He traced the face with his fingers and pulled their body towards him and wrapping his arms around him.

 

“Taeyong-ah…” Jaehyun muttered in his sleep. He was glad he hadn’t woken up. He did find it a little weird how his dream had restarted though, they were just getting to the good part. Maybe he could go back to where they left off.  
Jaehyun’s hand cupped Taeyong’s face and pulled it towards him before he began kissing Taeyong’s neck. His skin was so soft, supple. Jaehyun nibbled on the skin above his collarbone and Taeyong moaned softly.  
“St- stop.” Taeyong was on top of Jaehyun and he didn’t need to open his eyes to know the expression on Taeyong’s face. He’d seen it before, many times in various positions. Though he did admit, he much preferred when Taeyong was under him.  
“Taeyong-ah.” Jaehyun caressed Taeyong’s face again. “I’m sorry about before.” Jaehyun kissed Taeyong’s neck. Taeyong didn’t move and Jaehyun grinned. Lately the Taeyong of his dreams had been cheeky, and as much as he loved the love of his life taking control and whispering sweet nothing into his ears, he missed the Taeyong who couldn’t get a word out when Jaehyun as merely as touched him. “Taeyong-ah.” He could feel Taeyong hard against him, could feel his breath hot on his lips. “Come here.” Jaehyun smirked before grabbing Taeyong and rolling them over so he was on top of Taeyong so that he was facing the bed.  
“Jaehyun…” Taeyong whimpered into the pillow and Jaehyun pulled Taeyong onto his knees.  
“Hmm?” Jaehyun’s hand went straight into Taeyong’s pants. “Excited now aren’t we?” Jaehyun chuckled into the crook of Taeyong’s neck.  
“Jaehyun please.”  
“Please what?” Jaehyun’s fingers wrapped around Taeyong and his hyung moaned softly. Taeyong was warm in Jaehyun’s hand and as he began moving his hand up and down Taeyong quivered under him. “Haven’t dreamt about this one in a while.”  
“Jaehyun this isn’t-” Taeyong cut himself off with an unrecognisable sound and Jaehyun licked his lips before swirling his finger around Taeyong’s tip and picking up the pace. “Jae- I-.” Taeyong presses his face into the pillow as Jaehyun’s hand picked up the pace.  
“This feels so real.” Jaehyun muttered under his breath and Taeyong froze. “What-” Jaehyun’s dreams had never buffered before. If he was about to wake up he was going to punch something or probably just knock himself out.  
“I can’t do this.” Taeyong grabbed Jaehyun’s hand and pushed him away.  
“What-” Jaehyun pulled his hand away only to be shoved aside and watch Taeyong scamper out of his room. Jaehyun massaged his head and closed his eyes. _What a strange dream_.

 

~ ~ Ty TrAcK’s PoV ~ ~

 

Taeyong creeped out of the bathroom after he was finished with himself. He had never felt so disgusted before, he wanted to wash the past half hour away. But he settled for throwing himself out of the dorms, or so he at least thought he would but when he reached the front door it was locked. He was going to kill someone, everyone in fact, and then himself. It took him a few minutes to recollect himself before making his way to the kitchen and crouching behind the counter. He balled himself up in an attempt to stop shaking.

 

He felt numb. Empty.  
He couldn’t keep up with his thoughts.  
On one hand, he enjoyed what happened - maybe even a bit too much.  
But on the other hand, he was supposed to talk to Jaehyun, tell him how he felt. And after what just happened, he was sure that he left both of them feeling more confused than ever.  
Though Jaehyun had thought it was a dream. Maybe he could play it off and pretend nothing had happened.  
_Impossible_. Taeyong knew that. He wouldn’t be able to even glance at Jaehyun without breaking down, or blush, but at this point he didn’t know which one was worse. He pulled out his phone and texted johnny.

 

JOHNNY

LET ME OUT

I KNOW YOU AND SHITTAPHON LOCKED ME IN

IF I GET OUT ALIVE IM GOING TO KILL YOU

JOHNNY

SOMETHING HAPPENED

I CANT BE HERE

 

Taeyong didn’t get a response. He clenched his fists in anger and almost threw his phone across the room. He couldn’t even get mad at Jaehyun. He thought he was dreaming and Taeyong hadn’t pushed him away or stopped him. However he had to admit, it made him start to think about what kind of dreams Jaehyun had. From what just happened, he could guess they were similar to his own. Thinking about their dreams made him flustered. It meant that even in Jaehyun’s dreams he was a bottom.

“Oh my god Taeyong stop.” Taeyong slapped both hands on either side of his face. “Stop stop stop stop.” He ruffled his hair and smashed his head against his knees. “Fuck fuck fuck.” He could feel his heart racing and his eyes well. “Don’t cry you big baby.” He didn’t know why he was crying. He shouldn’t be crying. “You’re so weak.” He hated himself. _Yeah, weak for Jaehyun_. “Shut the fuck up Taeyong.” He felt like he was going insane.

 

“Taeyong?”

 

_Oh no._

 

“Taeyong?” Jaehyun walked into the kitchen but froze the moment he laid eyes on Taeyong. “Oh god no.” Taeyong watched as Jaehyun crumbled to the floor. “I-...Fuck I knew something was off I just didn’t want to believe it. God Taeyong I’m so sorry. Taeyong I-” Jaehyun extended a hand to Taeyong and this time he didn’t flinch. He just sunk back into the cupboard.  
“Shut up.” Taeyong couldn’t think, he couldn’t see. He was crying now, not sobbing, but the tears were definitely flowing.  
“You…” Jaehyun dropped his head into his hands. “You must hate me.” Taeyong didn’t reply and Jaehyun continued. “For a guy to touch you like that- I-...I’m...fuck.”  
Taeyong peered through his wet lashes at Jaehyun. As much as it was awkward and Taeyong wanted the ground to open up and swallow him, he didn’t want Jaehyun to hate himself the way he did right now. “Jaehyun.”  
“I’m so sorry. I- I- I’ll quit if you want. I’ll leave NCT. Fuck Taeyong I’ll even leave SM-” Jaehyun looked at the door and Taeyong wanted to tell him it was locked and he couldn’t get out or leave but the words that fell out of his mouth were not what he, or Jaehyun, expected.  
“I’m gay.” Taeyong looked at the ground. His phone beeped and he had no doubt it was Johnny. He didn’t read his response but instead just sent:

 

IF ANYONE COMES INTO THE DORM RN

I WILL BREAK UR BONES (:

 

“What?” Jaehyun’s jaw fell to the floor and Taeyong winced at the pain in his eyes.  
“I’m gay.” Taeyong put his phone away. “I like boys. Always have.”  
“That- I-...Oh my god.” Jaehyun couldn’t breathe properly and Taeyong wanted to pull him into his arms and hold him but he was afraid he would fall apart too. “That’s worse.” Jaehyun covered his face with his hands. “ _Disgusting._ ” Taeyong’s heart dropped at Jaehyun’s words. “Being touched by someone you don’t even like.”

 

_Oh._

 

“That’s not true.”  
“I can’t believe I did that I’m so sorry. Taeyong I- wait what?”  
“Jaehyun.” Taeyong sighed and pressed his head against the cupboard. “I’m going to tell you everything. I just...I need to…I need a minute.” He noticed Jaehyun look at the door again. “It’s locked.”  
“I’m going to kill them.” Jaehyun muttered under his breath and Taeyong’s lips turned up at the edges.  
“You and me both.” Taeyong took in a long and deep breath. “Okay. So…”

 

Taeyong started to explain when he first realised he liked boys, he explained why he hadn’t come out to everyone and why he couldn’t come out now. He even went over how he dated a lesbian for a while and met guys through her. Then he told Jaehyun how scared he was to join SM and be put into a boy group. He wanted to stop there, but once he removed his hand from the cut the blood kept flowing and he couldn’t stop. It’s like his mouth had a mind of its own and the words kept pouring out. He didn’t know why but he told Jaehyun how he felt when the antis found his past, he told Jaehyun why he was afraid of telling anyone the truth about himself and his feelings. It was strange because he didn’t cry, there was just so much he wanted to say that kept coming out that there was no time for tears. Taeyong was halfway through explaining why he couldn’t be honest about his sexuality - for their fans and the managers and antis - when Jaehyun snapped.

 

“So that’s why you kept giving me mixed signals?” Jaehyun laughed but it was laced with ice and Taeyong felt his heart sink.  
“That’s all you got? From everything I just said?”  
“You don’t get to decide whether or not I want to be with you.” Jaehyun stood up. “That is not your decision to make. You can’t just say you want to protect me and shove me away but then basically beg me to kiss you.” Jaehyun grabbed the kitchen counter and Taeyong noticed he was breathing heavily. “Do you think I’m that weak? That I wouldn’t be able to stand up to a few shitty haters?”  
“I was trying to protect you.” Taeyong’s voice was just above a whisper.  
“I-” Jaehyun took in a deep breath. “I want to beat the shit out of you right now.” Taeyong didn’t move. “But I also want to kiss you.”  
“We can’t.” Taeyong was fast to answer that.  
“You just confessed to me and now you’re asking me to stay away?” Jaehyun looked at him incredulously.  
“I’m...scared.”  
“Scared.” Jaehyun laughed. “You’re such a pussy ass bitch. I don’t even know what I see in you.”  
“Jaehyun-”  
“Tell Johnny to open the door and get the fuck out or else I _will_ punch you again.”


	2. You Can't Do It All By Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pt2 of my one shot which had to be split bc there was so much

“You told him you liked him and then you told him to stay away?” Jungwoo crossed his arms. “Taeyong when I told you to make a decision this is not the one I was hoping for.”  
“Why would you even say that?” Johnny was trying to understand how Taeyong’s thought process worked. “You’re absolutely whipped for him.”  
“I kind of want to punch you.” Ten was sitting in Johnny’s lap. “You’re a fucking idiot.”  
“Ten.” Johnny warned him but Ten stood up.  
“You think you’re being strong by not being with him?”  
“I-” Taeyong opened his mouth.   
“Shut up and just listen Taeyong.” Ten was fuming. His hands were bunched at his side as he advanced towards Taeyong. Ten shoved him against the mirrors. “You’re taking the easy way out and running away.”  
“Ten-” Johnny was about to pull Ten away when Jungwoo held him back.  
“I love you Taeyong but he’s right.” Jungwoo's voice was soft.   
“You _know_ how he feels even if he didn’t tell you. He dreams about you and that semi handjob-”  
“Ten!” Johnny raised his voice but his boyfriend ignored him.  
“That was not some horny dream he has about every member and you know it. You wanted it too otherwise you would have run away the second he lay hands on you. You want him and you’re a kinky little bitch, I know this.”  
“TEN!” Johnny was about to stand up but Jungwoo held him down.  
“This isn’t even about the TZennies or managers anymore. You’re scared because for once in your life someone actually cares about you the way you care about them and you’re fucking terrified because you have no experience apart from your stupid otaku dreams BUT GUESS WHAT TAEYONG EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US WAS LIKE THAT TOO!”  
“Ten…” This time it was Jungwoo who spoke up.  
“You think me and Johnny are great all the time? We fight so much because the managers think we’re brothers and market us like that. And you saw what happened with Sicheng and his little love triangle. Jaemin disappeared for more than a year and everything went to shits and Hyuck and Mark have to beat each other up on camera because they’re their  _dynamic_."  
“I-”  
“But the fans literally cry for you and Jaehyun to look at each other, to hold hands. THEY SUPPORT YOU ALREADY AND YOU DON’T EVEN SEE IT AND IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY!” Ten had his hand pressed against Taeyong’s chest and he felt his knees buckle.  
“You’re running away from it because you know it’ll work out. You know it’ll be happy. What are you? A masochist? I mean...with all your lyrics we kind of knew that but why don’t you just come out and say it?”  
“Ten that’s enough.” Johnny jumped to his feet. He must have noticed the tears in Taeyong’s eyes.  
“ _Don’t touch me_ .” Ten didn’t bother looking back at his boyfriend but instead bore holes into Taeyong’s eyes. “Have you thought about how much _you_ hurt Jaehyun? Forget the haters. But you, the person he is in love with...told him to stay away.”  
“I didn’t think-”  
“Yeah. You didn’t. But maybe it’s time you did.” Ten let go of Taeyong. “Use those two last braincells of yours and apologise to Jaehyun and _fix this_ before the TZennies hate you for breaking us up.”  
“Ten.” Johnny grabbed Ten’s arm but he shook it off and stormed out of the room. “Tae I’m sorry.” Johnny disappeared after him leaving Taeyong alone with Jungwoo.

 

Taeyong thought he would cry but he felt so empty. Every decision he’d made had been the wrong one and as much as he wanted to get angry at Ten, it was all the truth.  
“Taeyong…” Jungwoo scooted over to him but Taeyong didn’t move. “Why did you do it?” Taeyong finally looked at Jungwoo.  
“I think,” Taeyong closed his eyes and thought back to what happened in the bedroom. He remembered how his heart did somersaults when Jaehyun said his name; and how safe he felt in his arms, how much he could have melted if he’d let Jaehyun gone on for any longer. “I love him.” Taeyong waited for Jungwoo to say something but he didn’t and Taeyong was kind of glad. “Like actually completely _in love_ .”  
“Then why did you do it?”  
“I always knew he had some kind of feelings. But not like that.” Taeyong leaned into Jungwoo’s arms. “It’s...overwhelming. I thought I was going to explode. The way he looked at me.”  
“We can fix this.” Jungwoo rubbed Taeyong’s back.  
“I don’t think I can. Not this time. He hates me.”  
“But he loves you too.”

 

~ ~ Jaehyun’s POV (( DID YALL SEE HIS SMIRK IN CHAIN THO WTF )) ~ ~

 

Sicheng had his arms around Jaehyun from one side of the couch and Doyoung on the other. Yuta was on the floor facing them and Taeil on the other couch with Hyuck.  
“I really don’t think he meant it.” Sicheng’s words sounded like an empty attempt at consoling him.  
“You should have seen his face. It was like he was repulsed by the idea of even being seen with me.”  
“But he told you he loved you.” Doyoung spoke up this time.  
“Yeah before saying they can’t be together which makes absolutely no sense by the way.” Yuta was obviously still trying to process what happened and Jaehyun couldn’t blame him for not being able to wrap his head around it because he couldn’t either.  
“I think he’s scared.” It was Hyuck who spoke this time and the room grew silent. It wasn’t every day Hyuck had something to say, though Jaehyun had come to realise he was probably more knowledgeable about the heart’s condition more than the rest of NCT.  
“That’s what he said yeah.” Jaehyun wanted to scream but every time he opened his mouth his throat closed up and he felt like he was about to burst into tears.  
“It can be scary. As an idol.” Hyuck’s voice was soft. “I think if you approached him one more time he’d give in.”  
“Why do you think that?” Yuta looked at Hyuck.  
“I think Ten is probably yelling at him right now.”  
“You’ve got a point.” Sicheng agreed. “Plus I spoke to him when you punched him remember?’  
“Oh?” Yuta looked surprised. “What did he say?”  
“I think he’s afraid as the leader. He’s scared it’ll tear us all apart.”  
“Well the cunt is the only one tearing us apart now.” Yuta muttered to himself but everyone heard. Jaehyun wanted to yell at him and tell him off for calling Taeyong a cunt but…  
“It’s my fault.”  
“No it’s not.” Sicheng pulled him closer.  
“I basically assaulted him.” Jaehyun winced at the memory.  
“Sounded like he enjoyed it.” Doyoung’s voice only reached Jaehyun’s ears before he spoke a little louder. “I don’t get why you’d offer to leave NCT like what kind of fucking idiotic comprise-”  
“Wait you what?” Taeil had been silent for the entire time until now.  
“I-”  
“Because leaving us will solve everything won’t it?.” Taeil stood up. It was the first time Jaehyun had seen him mad. “Imagine how guilty Taeyong would feel if you left? Not only that but right before our comeback? Really? Can you two just have some steamy make up sex and fix this?” Taeil walked away leaving everyone else behind him shocked.  
“He didn’t mean that.” Doyoung jumped to his feet and called after Taeil. “Babe wait!”  
“I don’t think we can fix this…” Jaehyun sighed.  
“You were going to leave NCT?”  
Jaehyun’s head snapped around to the new voice. Ten was standing behind the couch with his arms crossed. He didn’t look mad, just disappointed.  
“What the fuck is wrong with both of you?”  
“Ten!” Johnny appeared behind Ten, picked him up and carried him to the kitchen.  
“I think I’m going to go to sleep.” Jaehyun lifted himself off the couch but Sicheng clung on to him.  
“We can fix this. I promise.”  
Jaehyun didn’t want to argue with anyone so he just nodded his head and meandered back to his room. Tonight was going to be long and sleepless.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jaehyun was right. He didn’t sleep a wink. It was past midnight when he crawled out of bed and made his way into the kitchen. The dorm was pin drop silent and Jaehyun tried not to make a sound as he pulled out a juice box from the fridge. He was sitting in front of the fridge when he heard the front door open. In a panic he slammed the fridge shut and covered under the counter. Sometimes their manager liked to come do checks on them to make sure they were getting their rest for the comeback. He tried not to make a sound as he sucked in a shaky breath. He wanted to peer around the corner and see who it was but when he heard sloppy footsteps come in his direction he froze and closed his eyes. He was ready to be yelled at.

 

“What the fuck.” A bright light shone in Jaehyun’s face and he was one hundred percent sure that it wasn’t Hyunjoon hyung. The person reeked of cheap soju and Hyunjoon hyung didn’t drink. “You.”  
Jaehyun recognised the voice. _Seriously?_ Why was in that their encounters were constantly in the kitchen. It was starting to become his least favourite place.  
“You.” The voice repeated and Jaehyun hissed.  
“Yes. _Me Taeyong._ ” Jaehyun began to grind his teeth. “Now if you don’t mind I’m going to go sleep off a broken heart.” Jaehyun was about to get up when Taeyong fell to his knees in front of him.  
“You can’t leave me.” Taeyong pressed Jaehyun against the cupboard and he almost convulsed from the vile stench of alcohol.  
“How can I leave when you’re the one walking away.” Jaehyun wasn’t sure if the words made it out of his mouth because Taeyong presses his head against Jaehyun’s chest.  
“You can’t leave me…us...NCT.” He pressed his head into Jaehyun’s chest again. “You can’t you can’t you can’t.” It was like he was using Jaehyun’s chest as a wall because he hit his head harder. “Please...don’t leave.”  
“I’m not leaving NCT-”  
“No Jaehyun you don’t-” Taeyong hiccuped and Jaehyun wanted to run. He was the sober one but he wanted to devour Taeyong’s lips. “You can’t leave _me._ ” Jaehyun thought he was hiccuping again but when he felt his shirt damped he realised Taeyong was actually sobbing. “I don’t want to be alone Jae- I can’t- you can’t- _I need you. Please_ .” Taeyong put his arms around Jaehyun and pulled him forward.  
“Taeyong.” Jaehyun tried to push him away but he clung on. “Stop.”  
“You don’t get it. I need you Jae I need you so much.” Taeyong was full on crying at this point and Jaehyun thought he’d be okay, he thought he was empty, numb, but seeing Taeyong fall apart made his eyes well with tears. "You saved me before...you can't leave Jae I can't survive without you."  
“Taeyong-ah.” Jaehyun pulled Taeyong into his arms. “You’re so stupid.” He was stupid too, to think he could hate him. Idiot.  
“You can’t leave.” Taeyong cried into Jaehyun’s chest. “I need you.”  
“I’m not going to leave NCT Taeyong.”  
“No.” Taeyong pushed Jaehyun away. “You can’t leave _me_ .” Taeyong tapped his chest. “Me. You can’t leave me. Because _I_ need you. I don’t care about NCT.”  
“I-”  
“Not like that I love NCT!” Taeyong smiled but then frowned again in the blink of an eye. “But you can’t leave me.”  
“Okay.” Jaehyun bit his lips. _Dammit he looked cute_ . Even with his nose running and hair sweaty looking like a hot mess, Jaehyun was absolutely smitten.  
“Promise?” Taeyong leaned back towards Jaehyun except his face wasn’t in his chest.  
“Pr- promise.” Jaehyun blinked. His face was so close. Jaehyun had to exercise every ounce of self constraint he had in his body not to pin Taeyong down.  
“Jaehyun.” Taeyong’s breath was hot on Jaehyun’s lips. He was really testing him. “I love you.”  
“Wha-”

 

Jaehyun wanted to die. Yes, he’d dreamt of kissing Taeyong for as long as he could remember but not like this, not when he was drunk and tasted like off brand Smirnoff. He wanted to push Taeyong away, he really truly did. But Taeyong pulled Jaehyun on top of him and it was like all rational thought flew out of his head. It started off as a gentle kiss, a proper kiss, with their mouths open and Jaehyun’s hands pinning Taeyong’s above his head. Jaehyun had just slipped his tongue inside Taeyong’s mouth when he tried to speak.  
“Jaehy-” Taeyong whimpered underneath him. Jaehyun pulled away and hung his head. This was a bad idea. Especially on the kitchen floor. “I love you.” Taeyong smiled and Jaehyun felt his chest tighten. He kind of wanted to squeal.  
“I...love you too.” Jaehyun kissed Taeyong again. Softly. Just a gentle brush of the lips. He wondered if Taeyong would remember this in the morning or go back to his cold self and push Jaehyun away. He wasn't even sure if this was a dream anymore.   
They still had so much to talk about. Whatever they were, it was a mess. But right now, it felt like nothing really mattered. Jaehyun forgot all about his little kink diary. He just wanted to hold Taeyong in his arms, feel his heartbeat.  
“Jaehyun.” Taeyong nuzzled his head into Jaehyun’s neck and the younger boy gulped. _Self restraint Jae_ . He took a deep breath before rolling onto his side and pulling Taeyong into his arms. He wanted to spend the night there. He didn’t care if someone woke up and found them sprawled over each other on the kitchen floor.  
“We have a lot to talk-” Jaehyun was cut off by the sound of someone rattling the front door. “Shit.”

 

Jaehyun leaped to his feet and stepped on Taeyong’s chest to keep him down.  
“Jaehyuuuuun!” Taeyong dragged out his name, his voice absolutely slurred. If Hyunjoon saw Taeyong in this state there was so doubt he would be in a shit tonne of trouble.  
“Shut up.” Jaehyun hissed at Taeyong but he began chuckling. “Fuck.” Jaehyun pulled out his phone and played the first song on his Spotify. The base was loud and Jaehyun increased the volume to drown out Taeyong’s soft giggling. Jaehyun shoved the juice box into his mouth when the front door opened.  
“Who-” Hyunjoon turned on the entrance light and Jaehyun prayed to the gods he couldn’t see Taeyong hiding behind the counter. “Jaehyun.” Hyunjoon sounded disappointed but it was better than him losing his shit over Taeyong’s drunk ass.  
“I was hungry.” Jaehyun finished the popper and Taeyong lifted his head but Jaehyun pressed his foot down harder on Taeyong’s chest and the boy fell back to the ground.  
“I don’t what’s going on with you but…” Hyunjoon hyung looked exhausted, the dark circles under his eyes were worse than most of the members. “I managed to keep Dowoon quiet but…” Hyunjoon walked towards the counter and Jaehyun felt his blood run cold. “I’m worried about you Yoonoh.”  
Jaehyun softened at his words. He only ever called him Yoonoh when he was truly concerned. He wasn’t just their manager. He’d trained with Hansol and Johnny a long time ago. He was their brother.  
“I’m sorry I just-”  
“Don’t be sorry. I know it’s hard just…” Hyunjoon lifted a bag and placed it on the countertop. “Don’t give up. Don’t fight with them. Don’t ever become like me.”  
“Don’t say that hyung.” Jaehyun’s chest constricted and Hyunjoon rubbed his eyes. “We wouldn’t be anywhere without you.”  
“I’m going to protect you. All of you. So just...don't give up.” Hyunjoon smiled and Jaehyun noticed his forehead wrinkled as he furrowed his brows. “Don’t be afraid.”  
“I-...thank you.” Jaehyun grew quiet. Hyunjoon’s smile broadened and his eyes disappeared. He was actually really attractive and maybe if he hadn’t been caught in that scandal he would have debuted.  
“Don’t tell the others but I bought your favourites.” Hyunjoon opened the bag and pulled out a four ramen cups and a two green tea icecream sticks. “Sicheng said you haven’t eaten a lot lately and I got worried so.” Hyunjoon shoved his hands in his pockets. “There was also- if I can find it. Ah!” Hyunjoon pulled out two little keychains. “Give one to Taeyong.”  
“Okay.” Jaeyong took the charms into his hands. It was a pastel coloured chibi version of both of them, Jaehyun sitting on top of a mountain of food and Taeyong sprawled on the floor with a tail and cat ears. He chuckled and he felt Taeyong squirm under his foot.  
“A fan made it for both of you. I took it from them from in front of the building this morning. She said you two helped her through a really hard time and she hopes you stay together for a long time.” Hyunjoon smiled again and Jaehyun’s fingers tightened around the charms.  
“Thank you hyung...I mean it.”  
“As Lucas would say...It’s okay man.” Hyunjoon laughed and Jaehyun grinned. Their manager turned around and walked away but before he slipped out the door he raised a fist in the air. “Fighting heyadwae!”

 

The moment the door clicked close Jaehyun turned off the music and lifted his foot off Taeyong’s chest.  
“But I liked that.” Taeyong mumbled and Jaehyun’s cheeks flushed red. He really had no idea of the thoughts that just flew through Jaehyun’s head.  
“Let’s eat and sober you up.” Jaehyun put the kettle on and opened the ramen. He kept the spicy one and pork one for himself and opened the beef ones for Taeyong. “Here.” He handed Taeyong an ice-cream stick and his hyung stared at it in marvel.  
“It’s green tea.” Taeyong began sucking on the tip and Jaehyun looked away. _Not here, not now_ . “Green teeaaa!” Taeyong giggled and Jaehyun focused on making the ramen. Taeyong was so cute when he was drunk but all Jaehyun could focus on was the way he was eating the damn ice-cream.  
“Ramen ramen ramen ramen.” Jaehyun mumbled the words as he drained the noodles.  
“Yoonoh-ya.” Taeyong’s arms were suddenly around Jaehyun’s body. “Have some.” Taeyong waved the ice-cream in front of Jaehyun’s face and he froze for a split second before grabbing Taeyong’s hand and turning around. Jaehyun’s twisted Taeyong’s hand so that the ice-cream was back in Taeyong’s mouth. Jaehyun cocked his head to the side and slowly pushed the end of the stick deeper into Taeyong’s mouth and his hyung locked eyes with him before they fluttered to a close. Jaehyun blinked before letting Taeyong go.  
“You need proper food.” Jaehyun turned back around and focused on the ramen. He didn’t know how much self control he had left.

 

He was glad that the rest of the night was spent feeding Taeyong ramen and forcing him to drink lots of water. Taeyong would complain every time Jaehyun tried to eat his own dinner, he was really testing his ambidexterity tonight. He was putting the ramen cups into the bin when Taeyong fell asleep.  
Jaehyun leaned down beside him and wiped his face with his thumb. He was a mess. But so was Jaehyun because Taeyong grabbed his hand and brought it down to his crotch.  
“Jaehyun…” Taeyong was talking in his sleep. “Touch me.”  
“Nope.” Jaehyun jumped away. “Noppity nope. Not today Satan.” Jaehyun left Taeyong in the kitchen and grabbed spare pillows and blankets from the cupboard. He made a bed on the couch before turning off all the lights and carrying Taeyong to the sofa.  
“Jaehyun.” Taeyong grabbed Jaehyun’s hand again and he sighed. This was going to be a long _long_ night.  
“Taeyong. Shut up and go to sleep.” Jaehyun was sitting on the floor and leaning on the sofa. He ran his hands through Taeyong’s hair and massaged his head. He wasn’t sure if it was helping Taeyong sleep because the boy was muttering something under his breath and Jaehyun would usually lean closer to hear but he was lowkey afraid he’d be attacked.  
“Yoonoh-ya…” Taeyong grabbed his hand and shoved it over his crotch again and Jaehyun banged his head onto the corner of the couch. _Kill me_ .  
“I swear to god Taeyong.” Jaehyun tugged his hand away but Taeyong wrapped his fingers around Jaehyun’s hand and pushed it into his pants.  
“Jae-”  
“Taeyong.” Jaehyun didn’t pull his hand away though. Taeyong was hard and Jaehyun had about one ounce of self control left.  
“Please.” Taeyong was basically begging at this point and Jaehyun looked away. “ _Please_ .”  
“Praying to God Jisung that I can control myself.” Jaehyun muttered under his breath.  
“Jaehyun.” Taeyong’s hand left Jaehyun’s and cupped his face before guiding his head down past his waist. “Please.”  
“ _One more time Taeyong_ and I promise you I won’t be able to control myself.” Jaehyun hissed at his hyung.  
“I don’t want you to.” Taeyong played his Jaehyun’s hair and he closed his eyes.

 

He was going to regret this.  
Jaehyun pulled down Taeyong’s pants.  
He was going to regret this.  
Jaehyun’s tongue traced up Taeyong and his hyung whimpered.  
He was really going to regret this.  
Jaehyun’s lips closed around Taeyong and he heard him moan.  
He was _really_ going to regret this.  
“Jaehyun.” Taeyong moaned his name and for some reason Jaehyun felt like he wasn’t going to regret it anymore.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Taeyong’s head felt like someone was beating his head Thor’s hammer. He pulled his blanket over his head. His bed felt strange. He looked down.  
Oh.  
Taeyong peeked out of the blanket looked down to the floor.  
Oh.  
Taeyong blinked as memories from last night filled his dream.  
Oh.  
Oh no.  
“You’re awake.” Jaehyun’s voice reached his ears and Taeyong wanted to die. Like stop existing. Erase himself from the planet.  
“I am awake.” Taeyong looked at Jaehyun. “Why are you awake?”  
“Why? Were you thinking of running away?” Jaehyun met Taeyong’s eyes and he wanted to disappear. “Again?” Jaehyun added.  
“I would _never_ .” Taeyong pulled the blanket over his head. He was trying to not hyperventilate when Jaehyun snuck under the blanket too.  
“Hi.” Jaehyun grinned and Taeyong screamed but Jaehyun’s hand clamped over his mouth. “Don’t wake them up it’s like six.”  
“Why are you even awake?”  
“I didn’t sleep.”  
“Oh.” Taeyong bit his lip and Jaehyun traced his face.  
“Don’t do that it makes me want to kiss you.”  
“Cool.”  
“Wow.” Jaehyun laughed and took his head out of the blanket.  
“I didn’t mean that.” Taeyong closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. Cool? Seriously? What the fuck Taeyong.  
“I’m sure.”  
“I meant what I said last night.”  
“Oh?” Jaehyun looked at him and raised an eyebrow.  
“I love you.” The words left Taeyong’s mouth before he realised what he was saying. “Like a lot. Like. My heart hurts. That’s how much I love you. I’m a big dummy. I keep thinking I can protect you but...Hyunjoon last night.”  
“Hmm?”  
“He said he’d protect us.” Taeyong huddled on the couch and Jaehyun sat down beside him before pulling him into his arms.  
“I’ll protect us too.”  
“But it’s my job.”  
“No it’s not. We’re a team Taeyong. We protect each other. Don’t push us away because you want to do it all by yourself.”  
Taeyong nuzzled his head into Jaehyun’s chest.  
“Okay. I’ll try.”  
“Good. By the way...these are for us." Jaehyun held out his hand. Taeyong looked at what he was holding.   
"Where did you get phone charms from?" Taeyong picked them up curiously. "They're so cute. And there's too."  
"A fan made it for us. I'd say she got your kinks right."   
"Hey." Taeyong stared at Jaehyun's. "Yours is pretty accurate too."   
"Fair point." 

 

They were cuddling when they heard footsteps behind them. Taeyong’s first reaction was to jump away. But when Jaehyun showed no signs of moving Taeyong didn’t either.  
“Oh my god. _Fucking finally_ .” That was Johnny’s voice.  
“ARE THEY?” Sicheng’s voice.  
“Can we all take a moment to appreciate this beautiful sight.” Doyoung sounded genuinely done.  
“ _Hyungs…”_ Both Mark and Hyuck trailed off.  
“What are you guys- OH.” Taeil was always late to the party.  
“Ya’ll owe me ten.” Yuta laughed and everyone groaned.  
“Can’t believe it took them one night.”  
“Honestly...I expected at least two.”  
“Who would have known.”  
“Me bitch. _I_ knew.” Yuta sounded ecstatic and Jaehyun laughed. Taeyong could feel his body shake.  
“You know we can hear you right?” Jaehyun had a smile in his words.  
“Thank you for giving me sixty bucks guys.”  
“I hate them.” Taeyong muttered into Jaehyun’s neck and he laughed again.  
“I love you.”  
“I love you too.”

 

They spent the rest of the morning like normal. It was nice. Taeyong missed it. He also realised everyone was paired off with their boyfriends except for Johnny. Yet he didn’t look uncomfortable, he looked ecstatic.  
“Why are you in such a good mood?”  
“You have no idea how long me and Ten have waited for this to happen.”  
“What do you mean?” Taeyong was curious.  
“All of you. To date. Like...Holy hell. It took years what the fuck.” Johnny shook his head and grinned at his phone. Probably texting Ten no doubt.  
“Tell him I’m still going to beat you up for locking me in the dorm.”  
“Oh yeah. That was a ride.” Jaehyun piped up from beside Taeyong and he blushed.  
“Shut up.” Taeyong mumbled and everyone laughed.  
“If you still think that you have to protect all of us...I’m actually going to beat you up.” Sicheng called out to him from across the kitchen and Taeyong blushed some more.  
“He’d probably like that.” Yuta winked at him and Taeyong wanted to die again.  
“Trust me.” Sicheng looked at Yuta. “Jaehyun would love that too.”  
“SHUT UP SICHENG.” Jaehyun threw a piece of bread at Sicheng and he pissed himself laughing.  
“What does that mean?” Taeyong looked at Jaehyun and his eyes widened before he looked away.  
“Nothing.”  
“Sure.” Taeyong trailed off, his mind going to places that were not appropriate at breakfast.

 

~ ~ Later that Day ~ ~

 

“What are you doing?” Jaehyun plopped himself down beside Taeyong and he slammed his laptop shut. Hyunjoon had let Jaehyun and Taeyong have the day off today. Again. And as much as he usually hated being in the dorms and not practicing, he was glad he had the day to himself.  
“No-nothing.” Taeyong was about to throw his laptop across the room and get rid of the evidence when Jaehyun snatched it out of his hands. “NO!” Taeyong basically tackled Jaehyun but he jumped away and opened his laptop and Taeyong froze.  
“Huh.” Jaehyun scrolled through Taeyong’s opened tabs and he saw his life before his eyes. “Handcuffs. Rope. Ooh I like this one. _A paddle_ . Ohmygod are these...beads.” Jaehyun looked up at Taeyong and brought the laptop to his face. “This is a tail.”  
“It’s a anal plug.” Taeyong froze again as the words left his mouth. His urge to correct Jaehyun on toys had come above his urge to hide his sexual fantasies from his boyfriend. “It’s- I was just looking…”  
“Then why is it in your cart?” Jaehyun smirked and Taeyong wanted him to use the paddle. He could imagine it quite vividly. His ass was quaking just thinking about it.  
“I-”  
“Funny because I was actually coming to share this.” Jaehyun pulled out a little book from his sweatpants. Taeyong reached for it but Jaehyun raised his hand. “I get the laptop in exchange for the book.”  
Taeyong sighed. “Fine.”  
“Promise me you won’t run after reading that.”  
“Promise me you won’t buy anything?” Taeyong crossed his arms.  
“Fair.” Jaehyun nodded. “But no.”  
“Fine.” Taeyong grabbed the book out of his hands and began reading.

 

_Taeyong was in my dream again with that stupid smile and stupid pretty eyes  
_ _i hate him why is he always in my dreams. Jks i dont hate him i love him but can he not.  
This time it wasnt even just a kiss it was full on making out like ohmygod i got a  
boner and i even woke up with one and i wanted to die its not fair why is he straight  
pls kill me _

 

Taeyong turned the page. Well this was something.

 

 

_His smile makes me horny is that weird thats definitely weird right  
like he held my hand and in my dream he held my hand too and now all i  
can think about is his fingers around my di-  
_ _Im disgusting  
_ _If he knew how i felt…  
_ _Im scared hes gonna hate me  
_ _Im so scared  
_ _But is still want him to suck my dick  
_ _Shit_

 

Taeyong skipped a few pages.

   
  
_YEET ANOTHER ONE HAHAKILLMEHAHA.  
Okay but forreal we did it on a ride this time like the horror walk through in a coffin and omg hes so weak.  
I kissed his neck and he started moaning and when i actually kissed him hes knees gave out.  
Not that i was complaining but ya know? Stand still for a bit.  
_ _….i sucked his dick  
_ _He tastes so nice jfc now i cant stop thinking what he actually tastes like jesus and his moans fuckk  
_ _He moaned my name  
_ _mY nAmE  
_ _Yoonoh~  
_ _God  
_ _How am i even supposed to look him in the eye when all i can do is think about sucking him off_

_Honestly though what the fuck are his whiplash lyrics i bet this boy has no idea about being whipped and beaten  
_ _But  
_ _Now that i  
_ _Think about it  
_ _I really do want to  
_ _Leave bruises all over his body mygod and have him moan  
jfc i just want to know what he sounds like...you know...for science  
….okay but he wants someone to be rough with him HI HELLO LET ME ILL TIE AND WHIP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU WANT TO  
_ _Except i have a dick haha_

 

Taeyong didn’t realise he was burning up until Jaehyun coughed. He looked up and Jaehyun was tapping away at his laptop.  
“What?”  
“Nothing…”  
Taeyong narrowed his eyes at him and returned to his book.

 

_Okay  
__So  
__I cant even write this out  
__But  
__Omg  
__But  
__Omg  
__Okay  
__Okay  
__So  
__Uh  
__We were alone in the practice room and he was sitting under the table and  
i crawled between his legs and well omg his moans i cant do it and he tried to put his arms around me  
so i grabbed the wires and tied his hands and he couldnt move and he tried to get out for a bit  
but then he just kind of lay then and said ‘Yoonoh ya...i want you’  
__Holy  
__I  
__Wow  
_ _He could only take two fingers  
__But  
_ _He  
_ _He  
_ _Screamed  
__My name  
__Bye  
__I cant  
_ _Breathe  
_ _I am dead  
_ _Deceased  
__Shes died  
__No meditating  
__Gone_

_So  
_ _Im gonna write as much as i can down bc i feel like hyuck is gonna wake up  
and if he sees me hes gonna ask wtf im doing and this book aint ever being read by anyone  
but holy...we were at that little cove we found near the park and it was day time and we were kissing  
and then it was suddenly night and he like got on his knees and  
omg his skin is so soft and i wanted to rip off his clothes...which i did….  
Fuck im so horny but his ass is so soft and jesus he didn’t want me to stop and my hand was red  
and so was he but he didnt care and he took three fingers this time  
and he asked me to go raw RAW DID U HEAR THAT FOLKS A STRAIGHT BOY ASKED ME TO GO RAW  
but its ok ty track in my dreams is as gay as they come  
but holy god hes so tight and fuck it felt so good just kill me i cant do this anymore  
_ _I need a break  
_ _How do i stop dreaming  
_ _Fuc  
_ _k_

 

Taeyong slammed the book shut. Being tied with wires and having Jaehyun-  
“You can’t run.”  
“WELL YOU CAN’T BUY STUFF!” Taeyong snapped and Jaehyun smirked.  
“You sound excited.”  
“Shut up.” Taeyong opened the book again.

 

_I had my head between his legs and he didnt kill me  
_ _Is that  
_ _Is that a sign  
_ _I dont get it  
_ _Hes always holding my hand and stuff but  
_ _This  
_ _I  
_ _I kissed his thighs  
_ _God  
_ _I wanted to hear him moan so bad  
_ _I wanted to kiss him  
_ _So much  
_ _He didnt push me away  
_ _I cant tell with him anymore  
_ _But my dream  
_ _He pulled me in  
_ _Hes such a sub  
_ _And i had my hands around his neck and he just shit he begged me to chokE HIM LIKE  
IS THAT EVEN LEGAL BC IT SHOULDNT BE ok but fr if he asked he i wouldnt even resist  
_ _But  
_ _He wouldnt  
_ _Bc he straight  
_ _Haha  
_ _I hate myself  
_ _Kill me  
_ _Maybe hes bi  
_ _HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAH DONT GET UR HOPES UP JAE DONT GEt ur hopes up_ _Ew  
_ _Dont cry  
_ _Gross  
_ _thERES TEARS ON THE  
DAmn _

_Sometimes i just want to kiss him  
_ _And then fuck him raw in the shower but  
_ _Mostly just kiss him  
_ _I wonder what he tastes like  
_ _He hates spicy food so maybe hes sweet  
_ _And his tongue  
_ _It looks so soft and gentle like a innocent child and his lips are always so pink  
i can imagine sucking on them and making them puffy and brushed  
and uh his collarbones thats the biggest turn on jesus i just want to kiss him everywhere and leave hickeys all over  
_ _Did  
_ _I just  
_ _Seriously think that  
_ _Fuck im gross  
_ _Wow  
_ _He would actually kick me out of nct of he read this haha  
_ _It hurts_

_He punched me  
_ _Like  
_ _I mean i punched him but he punched me back and i almost cried because he was bleeding  
everyone hates me and i hate me i jsut got so mad wtf was he doing with jungwoo wait  
am i jealous wow im so jealous this is gross gROSS IM NOT THE JEALOUS TYPE  
_ _…...but that dream…...on the roof…..god fucking him against the wall and looking over the city  
im pretty sure everyone heard us hes so damn loud and he used Jaehyun this time which is weird but now im so horny  
BUT ANGRY AT MYSELF and i cant believe i want to fall back to sleep and dream about him in my bed  
_ _I think if he was ever on top of me id lose my shit  
_ _Wow im whipped this is gross_

_I  
_ _I fucked up  
_ _It wasnt a dream  
_ _Ha  
_ _Ha  
_ _Im going to leave nct  
_ _I have to  
_ _Hes going to hate me  
_ _I  
_ _I dont think  
_ _Oh look tears  
_ _This is nice  
_ _Wonderful  
_ _But maybe it was a dream  
_ _But  
_ _It was different  
_ _He ran  
_ _He doesnt run in my dreams  
_ _I need to ask him  
_ _Im so scared  
_ _This was basically assault i fucking raped him i hate himself i cant believe i did that who does that  
yoonoh what is wrong with you heS GOING TO HATE U and u kind of deserve it wow  
_ _Im going to do it  
_ _Im going outside  
_ _Wish me luck kink diary_

_It wasnt a dream  
_ _I love yuta  
_ _And sicheng  
_ _And everyone  
_ _They made some valid points  
_ _Jesus  
_ _I fucked up  
_ _They keep saying ty is wrong too bc he never pushed me away but  
_ _Oh  
_ _And hes gay  
_ _Did i forget that  
_ _Gay  
_ _Not straight not bi just full gay like me gay as in he only likes dick gay  
he likes me did i forget that too haaha and he said we cant be together either  
so i mean theres that and i think im gonna cry and this is the first time i wrote before i went to sleep am i that sad  
_ _Hyuck had a little dnm with me  
_ _…...i want to cry and hug everyone why is everyone so nice and real  
wtf im disgusting im suPPOSED TO BE A M A N  
_ _Man my ass  
u a gay as whore and maybe ill talk to tae tomorrow  
_ _Maybe  
_ _Who knows  
_ _Lets hope he doesnt run away_

_He made me suck his dick  
_ _Well  
_ _Asked  
_ _Begged  
_ _On the couch  
_ _Fun times  
(( im gonna let u read this btw and  yes u begged like  
P LE A S E YOONOH YA PLEASE  
how was i supposed to say no to that also u taste dank when ur drunk  
like not ur dick but your kisses  
(: if i wanna drink can it be like some good alcohol and not whatever the fuck u had last night thanks ))  
_ _Hey  
_ _Babe  
_ _I love you_

 

Taeyong closed the book quietly this time. That was a lot to take in. He looked up to find Jaehyun had already put the laptop away.  
“I bought stuff.” He grinned and Taeyong opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. “So you read it…”  
Taeyong couldn’t get any words out. He really...hurt the one person he was trying to protect.  
“Hey. Don’t cry.” Jaehyun leaned towards Taeyong but he slapped his hand away.  
“I’m not crying.” Taeyong choked on his own words. _Damn he really was crying_ . He wiped his eyes and Jaehyun watched in silence. “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be.”  
“No shut up.” Taeyong crawled over to Jaehyun and pulled him on top of him. He wrapped their arms around each other and huddled his face into Jaehyun’s chest. “I didn’t know how you felt. I mean I always knew but…” Taeyong took in a shaky breath. “Not that much. I didn’t know you cared that much.” Jaehyun was quiet and Taeyong looked up.  
“Babe.” Jaehyun ran his fingers through taeyong’s hair. _Babe_ . “I love you.” Taeyong wanted to say it back but he was so close to crying. Jaehyun must have sensed it because he changed the topic almost immediately. “Don’t you want to know what I bought?” Jaehyun was still massaging Taeyong’s head when he nodded. “Well it’s a surprise!”  
“That’s not fair.”  
“That’s what you get for making me cry.”  
“Wow. You really just.”  
“Yeah I did.” Jaehyun cupped Taeyong’s face. “What are you going to do about it?”

 

Jaehyun was smirking and Taeyong wanted to die. How could he look so attractive. It wasn’t fair. Taeyong took a moment to recollect himself before leaning forward and brushed his lips against Jaehyun’s. They were as soft as he imagined, after all, he had impeccable self care. Taeyong was about to lean back when Jaehyun kissed him back. Gently at first, on the surface before their lips parted and Taeyong felt Jaehyun’s tongue dance across his lips. Jaehyun explored every corner of Taeyong’s mouth and when he pressed his tongue back against Jaehyun’s he couldn’t help the sound that escaped from his throat. Jaehyun pressed his body against Taeyong’s before climbing on top of him and sucking on his bottom lip. Jaehyun raised his head for a second.  
“You taste sweeter than I imagined.”  
Taeyong didn’t have time to respond before Jaehyun’s lips came crashing back on his. Jaehyun wasn’t as gentle this time. Their kiss was feverish, desperate. Like they were trying to make up for all the time they missed, the time they wasted fighting. Taeyong’s hands explored Jaehyun’s back but before he could properly pull of his shirt Jaehyun pinned Taeyong against the bed and pressed a leg between Taeyong’s.  
“Yoonoh-ya…” Taeyong couldn’t recognise his own voice. Jaehyun made him feel so weak but for some reason he didn’t really care. “I love you.”  
Jaehyun kissed his neck and sucked the skin above his collarbones between his teeth. “I love you too.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> follow my twt @/petnct for shitty updates on more shitty fics ((: and a few mini existential crisis' gg 
> 
> also i tried to make it smutty  
> and its shit writing bc i had to hammer it out  
> and i have so many essays IM SORRY


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